analysis complication
by Chesra Talasei
Summary: according to your calculations, this problem shouldn't exist. [YukiKyon] [spoilers]


You watch him from the corner of your eyes. He offers you a smile, quietly, before his attention is taken away by Asahina Mikuru, or Suzumiya Haruhi. 

You return to reading your book.

_why is your heart beating so fast?_

x

He brings you to the library again, and you inhale in the scent of the wooden shelves and the dusty books with faded pages and perfectly printed text. It is like a sanctuary, this place, and he brought you here, not because you asked him to or because of anyone's orders; this is of his own free will. The thought makes your body tremble slightly; to have achieved evolution to such a point was enviable.

You draw closer towards him, unconsciously, and the warmth of his hand on your shoulder burns in your memories for years to come.

He stays with you the entire day, just watching you read. You show no expression, except perhaps for that fractional twitch in your lips.

_what's it like to feel?_

x

There is his utmost faith in you. When all things seem hopeless, you will be the person he will turn to.

You know that one day, you will fail him. You will make a mistake, and he will never trust you ever again.

You never want that day to come.

_you want to be cherished, you want to be important._

x

During those lonely nights; you drink some tea, and cast a longing look at the door leading to _that_ room.

He is sleeping there, and you are guarding him.

The thought should make you smile.

_you wish you could smile._

x

You touch the glasses you haven't worn for months, placed silently on your table.

You don't wear them anymore because he said you looked better without them.

_are you pretty enough?_

x

Sometimes, you try to imagine yourself with long, flowing hair, like Asakura Ryoko. You think about how you'll tie it up in a ponytail and how his eyes will light up, the same way his eyes do when they gaze at Asahina, or perhaps his eyes will soften, as it does when Suzumiya Haruhi smiles. You think of how he will smile and compliment you, like he had that time when you had saved him from your berserk back-up.

You imagine yourself in those silly costumes that Asahina wears, thinking of his expression, and you try to remind yourself that it foolish to waste your time thinking of these things.

You curl up in bed, and you wonder if your smile would make his day better.

_what do you feel for this person?_

x

It's impossible for you dream, because it's impossible for you to sleep. So you daydream instead, and in them you are happy with that person.

You try to imagine what's it like to have emotions.

It is almost too much to bear, and perhaps if you did have emotions, you would be crying right now.

_what's it like to cry?_

x

You think of your back-up when it's too painful to think of him. She was happy, even for a time. You think of her smile.

There are so many things she can do that you can't/

Asakura Ryoko's voice echoes in your mind, and you close your eyes. She was a mistake. She started acting out of her orders. She started moving on her own. She had been with these humans for too long—your kind didn't have free will, and you never would.

You're becoming a mistake, too.

_i want something more than this..._

x

You shouldn't exist, but you do.

You shouldn't feel anything, but you do.

You shouldn't want him, but you do.

You shouldn't love him—

_software failure._

x

Tomorrow, you will show up without an expression in your face, as you always do. He will not realize that there is a deep, desperate longing within you, festering for three years and more.

He will think everything is ordinary, and he will place his trust in you as usual.

You will not smile, you will not cry. You will read a book without comprehending what's written in it, and you will listen for his soft, even breathing as you stay in the clubroom together.

And so it goes, day after day, until it's just too much and you finally make that mistake you've been dreading.

_end of transmission._


End file.
